I have a few more posts I hope to get up before this baby arrives so check back in the next week or so and hopefully I'll have had a chance to get to them!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Absence
I have a few more posts I hope to get up before this baby arrives so check back in the next week or so and hopefully I'll have had a chance to get to them!
Love and Respect
I’ve long believed that the best gift you can give your child is to love your spouse and show them a positive and genuine example of marriage. Unfortunately, it’s easy to lose focus of this conviction when stress, exhaustion, and frustration set in. I am too quick to take this out on my husband. Although I love my husband wholeheartedly and am still very much in love with him I sometimes feel I’m not communicating this to him effectively. The book I’m currently reading, Love and Respect, has completely enlightened me to why I am feeling this way and what I can do to make some positive changes in my marriage and in the example I’m setting for my kids.
The author’s basic theory, learned after years of counseling and pastoring, is that women and men have different needs when it comes to receiving love and our society has done a poor job of showing women how to effectively “love” their husbands. He doesn’t let husbands off the hook and has some very clear, straightforward advice and challenges for men. But obviously what I was looking for most was how to show my husband love in a language that he both heard and received. I realized that although I’m good at loving (as most women innately are); I’m not always so good at showing respect. And respect spells love for men. It’s not that I purposely don’t show him respect; I’ve just been ignorant as to what this actually looks like.
Just as husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally, wives are called to respect their husbands unconditionally. This is what most women get caught up on because in our eyes our husbands aren’t always acting in ways that we feel deserves our respect. But are we always acting in a way that deserves his love? Of course not! Respecting unconditionally doesn’t necessarily mean always agreeing with his actions but it does mean treating him respectfully through our actions and words. It also means getting to know what respect looks like and feels like to our husband. The author, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives very concrete, specific examples of ways we can let our husbands know that we respect them (he also gives husbands great examples of ways they can show their wives love in ways that are meaningful to us).
All couples go through phases of what Eggerichs appropriately calls “The Crazy Cycle”. I don’t think I even need to explain it since anyone who’s been married any amount of time can easily identify with this term. He explains that when in this cycle most often it takes one party to let go of whatever issue may have seemed to start the cycle and to start showing their spouse unconditional love and respect. Although it might not be instant, any good-willed (he uses this term a lot) spouse will respond positively when this happens. As with all marriage advice, the solution starts with you. And it’s not about changing your spouse; it’s about giving them what they need. In return they will begin to give you what you need.
I highly recommend reserving this book at your library or purchasing your own copy. It’s a book that would be good to have around as it’s really easy to forget our good intentions when life takes over. I now finished reading the book about a month ago and already wish I had my own copy to refer back to. Old habits are so hard to break and gentle, and not-so-gentle, reminders are necessary at times to jolt us out of our stubborn ways. I hope some of you benefit as I have from this book!
The author’s basic theory, learned after years of counseling and pastoring, is that women and men have different needs when it comes to receiving love and our society has done a poor job of showing women how to effectively “love” their husbands. He doesn’t let husbands off the hook and has some very clear, straightforward advice and challenges for men. But obviously what I was looking for most was how to show my husband love in a language that he both heard and received. I realized that although I’m good at loving (as most women innately are); I’m not always so good at showing respect. And respect spells love for men. It’s not that I purposely don’t show him respect; I’ve just been ignorant as to what this actually looks like.
Just as husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally, wives are called to respect their husbands unconditionally. This is what most women get caught up on because in our eyes our husbands aren’t always acting in ways that we feel deserves our respect. But are we always acting in a way that deserves his love? Of course not! Respecting unconditionally doesn’t necessarily mean always agreeing with his actions but it does mean treating him respectfully through our actions and words. It also means getting to know what respect looks like and feels like to our husband. The author, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives very concrete, specific examples of ways we can let our husbands know that we respect them (he also gives husbands great examples of ways they can show their wives love in ways that are meaningful to us).
All couples go through phases of what Eggerichs appropriately calls “The Crazy Cycle”. I don’t think I even need to explain it since anyone who’s been married any amount of time can easily identify with this term. He explains that when in this cycle most often it takes one party to let go of whatever issue may have seemed to start the cycle and to start showing their spouse unconditional love and respect. Although it might not be instant, any good-willed (he uses this term a lot) spouse will respond positively when this happens. As with all marriage advice, the solution starts with you. And it’s not about changing your spouse; it’s about giving them what they need. In return they will begin to give you what you need.
I highly recommend reserving this book at your library or purchasing your own copy. It’s a book that would be good to have around as it’s really easy to forget our good intentions when life takes over. I now finished reading the book about a month ago and already wish I had my own copy to refer back to. Old habits are so hard to break and gentle, and not-so-gentle, reminders are necessary at times to jolt us out of our stubborn ways. I hope some of you benefit as I have from this book!
She Said Yes
On the tail of finishing Love and Respect I came across a book I’ve always been interested in reading but never have, She Said Yes. This is a short book written by Misty Bernall, the mother of 17 year old Cassie Bernall, a victim of the Columbine shooting horror of 1999. Misty wrote this book in the weeks and months that followed her daughter’s death (something she took some criticism for) and I think she does such an amazing job of showing the very real, raw pain of grieving and also the amazing redemptive power of remembering and allowing others to learn from your experience.
While by no means a polished, eloquent writer Misty is personal, honest, and vulnerable in her sharing of the ups and downs of parenting Cassie throughout some very rough spells of rebellion and spiritual warfare. She doesn’t preach at all but rather allows the events and circumstances speak for themselves. One thing she does reiterate throughout is the importance of being present with your kids and doing your best to enjoy each stage of their life – a reminder we all need daily, sometimes hourly!
Although many people focus on the end of Cassie’s life, the fact that she said “Yes” when asked at gunpoint if she believed in God (and I don’t want to downplay the significance and amiability of this) but I felt the real power of her story is in the journey Cassie took to get to a place in her life where she really did believe in God in a real and personal way. Two years before her death Cassie was in a place in her life where she easily could have been one of the Columbine shooters rather than a victim. Through the sharing of Cassie’s own letters and testimonies from friends it is very evident that Cassie had given her soul to Satan at that point in her life and had surrounded herself with “friends” who had done the same. It’s eerie to read the letters Misty and her husband found that lead to their family completely uprooting themselves, her quitting her prestigious job, and them devoting themselves 100% to redirecting Cassie’s life. Their struggle was very real and not at all one I hope to ever know first hand but it’s one that too many parents have known and are currently facing.
Of course my favorite aspect of the book is that Cassie does find God in a very real, personal, genuine way. And yet her struggle still continued, as it does for all of us, to feel worthy of God’s love and to incorporate our faith in real and tangible ways. Cassie was 17 when she died but the insight she had into life was amazing. She was a very honest girl who struggled with all the same issues any kid her age (and much older) feels internally but often doesn’t explore very deeply: faith, esteem, friendship, marriage, good vs. evil, body image, family relationships.
I highly recommend this book on both a personal and parenting level. It’s another book that would be good to have around to re-read sections of as children get older and new issues and battles arise and we forget the fragility of life and the absolutely amazing gift it is to be a parent.
While by no means a polished, eloquent writer Misty is personal, honest, and vulnerable in her sharing of the ups and downs of parenting Cassie throughout some very rough spells of rebellion and spiritual warfare. She doesn’t preach at all but rather allows the events and circumstances speak for themselves. One thing she does reiterate throughout is the importance of being present with your kids and doing your best to enjoy each stage of their life – a reminder we all need daily, sometimes hourly!
Although many people focus on the end of Cassie’s life, the fact that she said “Yes” when asked at gunpoint if she believed in God (and I don’t want to downplay the significance and amiability of this) but I felt the real power of her story is in the journey Cassie took to get to a place in her life where she really did believe in God in a real and personal way. Two years before her death Cassie was in a place in her life where she easily could have been one of the Columbine shooters rather than a victim. Through the sharing of Cassie’s own letters and testimonies from friends it is very evident that Cassie had given her soul to Satan at that point in her life and had surrounded herself with “friends” who had done the same. It’s eerie to read the letters Misty and her husband found that lead to their family completely uprooting themselves, her quitting her prestigious job, and them devoting themselves 100% to redirecting Cassie’s life. Their struggle was very real and not at all one I hope to ever know first hand but it’s one that too many parents have known and are currently facing.
Of course my favorite aspect of the book is that Cassie does find God in a very real, personal, genuine way. And yet her struggle still continued, as it does for all of us, to feel worthy of God’s love and to incorporate our faith in real and tangible ways. Cassie was 17 when she died but the insight she had into life was amazing. She was a very honest girl who struggled with all the same issues any kid her age (and much older) feels internally but often doesn’t explore very deeply: faith, esteem, friendship, marriage, good vs. evil, body image, family relationships.
I highly recommend this book on both a personal and parenting level. It’s another book that would be good to have around to re-read sections of as children get older and new issues and battles arise and we forget the fragility of life and the absolutely amazing gift it is to be a parent.
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